Words

The first time you hear it. As you feared, maybe your child isn't normal after all. At first, you don't really hear the words. Or you hear them, but they don't quite connect, muffled by your own denial and the sugar-coating they apply, to make it easier, I guess, for you to digest.

"We do an assessment every year...we'd like to put him in our reading enrichment program. His scores - they're not BAD, you know...they're not on the lowest end. He did really well at some of the tests. He has problems with sound words, on some of them, and he has to answer quickly, that's probably part of the problem! His teacher thought the program might help..."

Sure, you say. No problem. Just take him in earlier three days a week...he'll be sad about not riding on the bus...oh but this week it can only be two days, because my mother has that operation. Oh my. Maybe I'll go back to bed now. No, must concentrate. Deadlines!! I have deadlines. Article. Operating systems. 25 links. Concentrate. Don't think about it. Call hubby. Don't worry about it too much, he says. And I'm kind of busy here.

OK. Operating systems. Linux. A Unix-like OS. Words, words no one has spoken to you yet, but maybe they will. The future suddenly doesn't look so...normal. Remedial. Special education. IEP. What if he gets left back? He'll be in the same class as his brother. No good. Special school. Different school. Short bus. Is it my fault? The diet coke? The gestational diabetes? Of course it's my fault. Oxygen loss? Should they have done the C section earlier? If it was an emergency, why did they wait until 10AM the next day? My fault. Too distracted, not paying enough attention, not pushing it. Denial. I should have worked on his words more, instead of giving up, getting bored, getting inattentive. Thinking about me...me me me...my goals. Goals. Deadline. Concentrate! DOS, Linux, Unix, monolithic kernel. Work! $80 a day!! Focus!